WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

by Amanda White

I had to get out –
To get some air

I’ve been lost inside something
Inside something strange
Inside myself
In the small rooms that I have inhabited
Or that have inhabited me

My eyes flicker and dance
Take note of the muted moon
Ajar
Slipping through the clouds

I look at the edges of what I see and find my slow path

The fresh air keeps me moving
The cold, the wind
This darkness

Should I be out on a night like this?

It’s not a storm
But it’s not calm either
And it’s very, very dark

I can see eyelids of boats opening along the wide sweep of horizon

I can see the beady eyes in little hamlets of homes lit up and cosy – nestling in

The hedgerows are wet and dank
The drains fit to bursting
And I keep walking
I just needed to get out

I needed to find some space

I needed
to sew myself
a little distance.

*

Rising up the hill
Cliffs on my left
Moors to my right

The uneven ground
Enjoying the uneven ground
The cold on my skin
The cold on my cheeks
Getting further, further away

Turning round
I can still see the lights of our house
Our little, little house
Nestled with the other little, little houses in the hamlet

No stars out tonight – not quite
And that shifting veil of what must be keeping the promise of stars shining down

So the fields grow wild
The fields grow into themselves
Walking uphill now
I had to get out
I had to get out
To find that space
fresh air – feel the wind
know the wind – myself

I can hear the water falling off the sides of the already waterlogged hills
It’s chasing itself to the sea
It can’t wait
It just wants to be there to join the waves
Fresh water joining salt water and tonight –
Walking in darkness
I can still see home
Just about
But I keep going…

*

Everything’s moving
Everything’s throbbing

I can just about make out real shapes of things that become other things in the darkness

And it’s not frightening
It could be if I wanted it to be
But it’s not
It’s liberating

I like to hear my own breath
I like to be a little bit out of breath
To feel myself moving
Moving up the hill
It’s not a steep hill
It’s not a mountain

I know where I’m going but I can hear my heart working
And I can keep going
Keep going
Soon I won’t be able to see my home
Its little light
And soon I will be further away
Further off down this track

This half a moon
What do we call that
A half moon
Whatever it is it’s a comfort
Of course it looks so close
Like I could just take my hand and snatch it
Pick it up like a stone
A stone off a beach
Pocket it
Take it home to join the other stones on my bathroom shelf
Shuffle them around
The runes
The stones

*

I’ve done enough walking for this evening
They think I’m coming back

It’s a dance
It’s a game
It’s a tease

It’s not frightening
I’m not frightening

I got angry this morning
I didn’t want to
Maybe it was the time of year
The snarl of bad weather coming in
You can make the most of it
Wear the right clothes
And you can get right out into it
Wear itself
Feel it
Like tonight it can help you make you feel more alive
But others don’t like it
They just want the sun
Its knife hot glare

Tonight I’m in darkness
Aside from the odd car
I feel them watching me
Thinking what’s she doing out on a night like this
What’s she doing out at a time like this
Shouldn’t she be at home
Shouldn’t she be preparing supper
Getting supper
Raising a toast
Celebrating
She should be somewhere else

But I’m not somewhere else
I’m right here
Taking one step at a time
I love the feel of it
The forward motion
And stopping just looking at those edges

Where sea and land float
Where sea and land meet

Some hedge hunkering down where one odd pink campion bobbles about
Kind of showing off really
Look at me I’m still alive it says
I’m still shining bright

And the lichen in this light
This darkness
Lights up white lime green stone
Beautiful
Like a gem stone
Gem stone after gem stone
Isn’t that right?
It’s all how you see yourself
It’s all how you see the moment if you try
If you want to
You can see so much more in the dark

You see I didn’t forget where I was going
I just took myself off without asking
I just did it
I just put on my boots
I put on your coat because I couldn’t find my own
I put on a hat
I left the gloves behind and opened the door
I didn’t lock it behind me
I left all the lights on
I left enough logs on the fire
And I simply walked off down the road

Where have you been?
I know that’s what they’ll say
I know that’s what they’ll say when I get back
If I’m going back
But when I do
I guess I am going back
That’s what they’ll say
They’ll want to know something

What shall I say?
Shall I make something up?
I don’t know what drove me out
I don’t know why I went out on a night like this
At a strange time

I don’t know
But I don’t know won’t help
So I should say something
I had to clear my head
Yeah – I had to clear my head
I had to clear my head

*

That car was going too fast
They almost drove right into me
If I hadn’t had my light on
On my phone
If I wasn’t talking to you now
They would have driven right into me

Nothing will happen to me
Nothing will happen to me
And I will take care
That’s what you do
You take care

Nearly back now
I wonder if anyone will even ask where I have been
With the fire on they probably think I’ve just been out to collect more wood

Let’s just keep it a secret
They don’t need to know my every move
I’ll lay the table
I’ll start the supper
Everything will be in its place
They might if they look carefully
Just notice a bit more colour in my cheeks
That my hands are not quite as warm as they were.

© Amanda White 2021